The formula for FUN!

Whoever decided on the formula for a funeral got it all wrong. When I attended my uncle's funeral and burial every person I saw was having the worst time, ever. They were all ridiculously hot, ferociously uncomfortable, piercingly sad and each and everyone one who showed up was dying (no pun intended) to get the hell out of the church. Granted it's a funeral and that atmosphere is the norm, it's still unnecessary. This is where I'm going to come in, and totally revamp the way funerals are done. Well, at least with mine.

Instead of having a priest you can barely hear and who looks like he's on his last dying legs, I'll have- actually, I'm going to scrap the priest all together. Why the hell would I want someone who couldn't care less to be there talking about Peter's letter to Joseph? And how the deceased aren't really dead, but actually they're just on some wild vacation in the clouds? I think life itself is some wild vacation - though it's not always a bowl of cherries, life is still usually one hell of a ride.

Next is the setting. I don't want people who come to these dreadful things out of respect to be sitting in pews; everyone who's anyone who sits in a pew is always shifting from ass cheek to ass cheek trying to get comfortable. I want love seats. I want lazy-boys. I want expensive leather chairs. Kick back and relax. Instead of having the funeral in a church, how about it takes place in, oh, I don't know, my house. That is to say I have the said comfy-chairs conveniently located in my house. If not, I guess we'll have to go to plan B and hold the funeral in some sort of fancy-dancy banquet hall. I want the setting to be more up-beat, and not so much with the sobbing and the crying and the oh-i-wish-he-was-still-here-why-isn’t-he-still-here-come-back-you-sonovabitch. Sure, the church setting is somewhat nice, but when people think “church”, they think “fuck.” The same people also think “church services are callously boring”.

Now instead of going through some formal script that was written a thousand years ago on how a funeral should take place, I want family, friends, and acquaintances to come and relax and remember the ‘good times’. Scrap the gospel-speak. To loosen everyone up I'll make sure I'll spare enough money for an open-bar, where the guests can drink as much or as little as they want.

Have you ever noticed how badly the music sucks at a funeral? I know when I'm there I don't want to hear about the Lord being my shepard and that's all I want -- I don't think anyone wants just that, but that's neither here nor there -- I want a more up-beat, happy-go-lucky, yes-this-is-a-sad-time-but-let's-remember-all-the-good-times kind of atmosphere, and best way to achieve that with an A++ is with decent music. I think before I die I'll make a mix-CD that encompasses my favourite music, or music that you can remember me by. It'll be catchy music, maybe even music that you'll tap your foot or nod your head to. Yes, yes, I’ll have some gospel music swimming around somewhere on the airwaves, but only the nice, sweet gospel music. Maybe I’ll get Whoopie Goldberg to come and direct some church choir… Maybe.

Now I know flowers are provided to mask the smell of a rotting corpse, but fuck that. I'll have them febreeze me. Not only is it cheaper, it would probably do a much better job. I don’t ever remember hearing how flowers ABSORB the odour. Instead of flowers I want pictures. I want mountains and mountains of pictures that people have of me with others having a good time. I want these pictures plastered around the banquet hall so everyone can go up to them and be like "oh, I remember that! Good times and all that jazz" (not like they'll say "and all that jazz", but you know what I mean).

Once everyone is liquored up I want people sharing stories of their favourite moments with me, may it be one or twenty. Yes, I'll allow people to cry, but it better be tears of happiness. I want it to be tears due to the fun times we've had instead of tears due to my eternal absence. You see, if you can become all nostalgic due to sharing memories with friends/family/acquaintances, then I'd much rather you cry over that.

Yea, I'd much rather have someone walking out of my funeral with fresh, forever lasting memories, a good song stuck in their head, rip-roaring drunk, and them thinking "wow, he really knows how to throw a party".